Georsey

When i was growing up, the only thing i believed in was music, the ability of song, the strength of a melody, and the power of lyrics. I dreamed of touching people with my music, being able to change someone with a lyric, to inspire with a melody, and to mold peoples minds with 3 minutes. Paramore was my biggest inspiration for the longest time, still are, along with many many other bands, but the drive and faith that i can do this is gone. I rarely sing anymore, i rarely write, its as if the music is gone. 

nobodys perfect. we lie. we cheat. we cry. love can last or it could be stopped. i’ve loved and my heart has been destroyed many times. it hurts but someday youll find that perfect is more than what you read, what you see, its what you feel.

Ive been through so much in the past three months, lost all my so called “friends”, connected withe people at work and i can call them family rather than “co-workers” and have fallen in love. Im in school, living in my own apartment, and moving in 30 some days. I miss home, but im getting there. I think ill start writting more.

My photography is starting up again!

What do you do when noone responds to your cries? When you scream louder and louder but nothing changes and it seems as though youve been muffled by a pillow. That is exactly how i feel. Ive been crying out for someone to just talk to me, just be my friend, for seven months and yet; nothing has changed. I have no one to talk to except for myself and the painful thought of being alone is always a forceful presence. Even my own boyfriend wont talk to me about anything, and isn’t he supposed to be my best friend? 

Theres certain things we all need someone to listen to, even if it’s just for a minute, for a second, just to have someone care enough to talk to you makes a world of difference. We find that in a best friend, a companion, family. What if you dont have anything like that? You dont want to talk to your family because you know they aren’t listening to exactly what you want, and that the last time you did that the WHOLE family knew instead of just the one you told. What is you haven’t made a single friend in this distant place you’ve learned to call home? Or even if your very own companion or significant other is too busy playing xbox to listen to what you have to say? 

I write, thats how i speak to others, but lately it hasn’t been good enough because no one reads it or responds. One day that will change i suppose, but what do you, person who possibly reads this, to make people listen? 

Whats the one thing that can make you feel even more lonely than you already are? If you guessed a rainstorm, then congratulations, although you have won nothing at all, you are still correct. It starts with the very first drop, as the clouds begin to darken and the once heavily populated area to which you stood, suddenly becomes more vacant than a repossessed house. Magically you find yourself, one among none, rather than one amongst many; although neither is great, Im sure many would prefer many to none. Yet that single rain storm can take your day from being barely noticed to invisible in a single droplet. You try every single day to become one with many, rather than just “there”, but every time the sun began to focus upon you, that dark, dark cloud was lurking closely behind. 

Although, a dark cloud is hard to fight, i think today is the day that you throw caution to the wind and stand up, scream as loud as you can, and make yourself belong. A single motion, a single word, can change it all, hell it can even change an entire nation. Who is to say that you are incapable of accomplishing such feats, or that you are just one too few of the strength needed to even make a change? Ill tell you who they are, they are the people who fear you the most, who know what greatness you are capable of and stand paralyzed with fear that you will be better then they are, and will stop at nothing to keep you just a mere flicker on a windy night. Those are the people to which you say, “my light shines brighter than any light ever has, and no matter how strong your wind may be i continue to grow bigger and bolder with every passing second.” That is greatness, that is strength, and beauty and possesion all wrapped into one package. 

I do confess, i have chosen to stay the single soul bound by the rainstorm to merely exist, simply because I have been thrown into a world to which nothing is normal and friends and help is harder to find then a working diet for Oprah. I know the saying goes to “practice what you preach,” and maybe i too may follow this passage, but until then go, head my insight and be someone, be more than just someone, be yourself and the leader of the crowd. 

Ive been in desperate need of shoes since i moved to georgia. but being 19, working at target, and paying bills and rent on my own has left me with no choice but to wear Lee’s shoes or wear shoes with holes in them. Well today someone bought me shoes, randomly, by suprise, and out of the descency of their heart. im forever greatful, and he says “were a guido family its what we do, protect our own”, its nice to know someone out here cares for me and wants to help out without me asking or saying anything. 

I miss Jersey. I miss everything being easy, but i love the challenge. 

i cant sleep. it hurts. i wish i had the answers for everything that ails me but im afraid i never will. everything gets harder all the time, and im alone in this world. 

Today, one of the most beautiful souls to walk the earth was laid to rest in South Jersey. Although i live 800 miles away now, the impact she had is felt all the way in Georgia. 

I wish i could have attended the funeral, but my prayers are there.

Today i also learned i have to give up my puppy, the one thing that has made living here in Georgia without family and friends just a bit easier. I cried and yelled and threw a tantrum, and im sure it wont be any better the day i let him go. Stupid lease. 

Wow, i havent written on here in months. I do appologize, the excitement of living on my own, moving twice in three months while being here, working and all has made me forget to post. But now i am all settled and unpacked, well for the most part, and have more time to write. 

A lot has happened, ive met some wonderful people, lost many people, and today i found out that someone who changed my life is truly gone forever. 

Many people have stopped talking to me in New Jersey, that was expected, but having the one person who called me their best friend completely write me off was not on the list of expectations. Thats okay, ive come to terms with that. Actually noone from New Jersey talks to me, but thats okay because I now know who is and isn’t a real friend. I wont be fooled anymore.

Ive grown and changed a lot, i have an amazing boyfriend who has helped me through so much, and has changed me for the better. He has helped me see who I really am and the happiness I have been pushing down for the longest time. 

Welll, on to other things, the main title of this post, the reason for starting to write again. Vanessa Tomlin was struck by a drunk drive late Saturday night in New Jersey and was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital. I knew Vanessa from high school, we first met at St.Joes and we both transfered to Winslow around the same time. Although she was older than me, she was in a few of my classes because the St.Joe and Winslow curriculum didnt match up very well. I was glad she was in my classes because it made transitioning to winslow so much easier since i didnt necessarily leave there in 6th grade on the best terms. I had a friend at least for 45 mins a day. Vanessa was such a sweet and loving person, accepting of everyone and had friends in every “clique” but was never a clique person. She was beautiful, friendly, and made things easier for me that year. I never got to thank her or even let her know she impacted me that much that year. I wish I had, but that chance is gone now. Tomorrow they will lower her to rest and I wish I could be there, but being 800 miles away makes that hard. As i write this i hope my prayers reach her. God took you too early and its tragic. You impacted so many people, changed many people, and are STILL bringing people together even in death. RIP beautiful Vanessa. 

I will start writting more, its what I need to do, even if noone reads it.

In 10 days, ill be leaving Jersey and heading to Georgia to live on my own. I lived in Georgia before for a month but i lived with someone i had known since freshman year and was dating at the time. Now when i go back i wont even be living in the same town as him, ill be living in Kennesaw. I’ll have to make rent, work, go to school, and keep up with everything on my own. 

10 days, and i havent even begun to pack. Wish me luck!